Lying : The Waves of Happiness

All of us lie, but what if that lie destroys everything in the end is dust. I lied too not understanding the deep fulcrum it led me to. It got me stuck, stranded in shreds of sands. I lied about being fine. I lied about feeling happy. I lied to feel sane, darkness taking over. For the last few years, my life has been incomplete, unfulfilled and purposeless -all rhyming same. I have never felt lost, a lingering fear is taking me under. I am trying, searching for that little miss sunshine to feel warm, something haven’t felt in a while. Everyday, is a struggle to survive more like — existing. I am running away to the end, which is all of crimson. When will this writhing havoc stop is all I can hope, but in despair.

It all started years ago, thanks to social media every time, I see a post or story of someone living their life having it all. I stare a couple minutes, in happiness knowing that someone got it together. It is incidents like this that makes me question myself. Growing up, wasn’t easy I was considered not good by many. It deafened my confidence leaving me feeling unstable. When I hit the teenage phase, I became a rebel or so I thought. I started talking back, questioning my traditions, values everything. I was learning to understand the true me but I came across as an arrogant brat. I have had issues with being too sensitive, trying to control my fuming rage of disappointment in myself.

I have thought of ending my life once, just a random thought that flashed before a couple seconds. I choose to let go as I don’t have the courage to perform the act am overwhelmed . A lot of people say “Suicide is an act of cowardice”, it is not. It takes mountain of confidence that this is the only path, to go. My days are filled with colors of ultraviolet. It seems beautiful, end it’s all a sham. I want to guard you — my soul, seems easier said than done. When I write, I let my demons out feeling recharged with new positive light only to get back to hell. I am depressed, at the brim of under-confidence never ending like a loop. I have a dream too, living life happily in whichever way I can. I don’t want to be successful, rather peaceful knowing I am doing OK. I am in search of a meadow that looks so beautiful full of greenery, rich of flowers. It is a magical world I travel to everyday at night, I want to live there away from this chaotic mess I am. I imagine myself breathing with a sigh of relief knowing I will get there one day.

I see tingling droplets everywhere, I am in loss of emotions. Fear engulfs me to stride forward and end looks closer than farther. All I need is someone that will listen, a shoulder to lean a comfort smile telling me “It’s OK”. Affirming it is going to be fine, I know it will be but it is a far cry for help. Minutes ticking by, I can hear demons crawling by the mere sound of footsteps nearing my shallow mind. It is fickle, yet softer power of nature climbing to my chamber. I can’t take this moment of steering power controlling my inner bubble. With seconds, turning into minutes, hours I am lying down in my cocoon hoping to get through. I know I will come out stronger, I might not have the confidence but that small radiant light is still within. Every time, I feel low I listen to music which motivates me to keep going.

I have taken the first step, in accepting myself with all parts of love. It started five years ago, I decided to love myself both — body and soul. I am still affirming with every inch of blood. I want to feel good about my overall self, which is where it all started. Acceptance, forgiveness and perseverance points us to the direction we all want to reach. Determination to overcome any hurdle, that roadblock that stops one from reaching their true potential. Success is not genetic but a source of hard work with a streak of luck. All one needs, during times of darkness is a shine that connects the jigsaw puzzle of life — luck. Each of us are lucky in our own ways, bigger or smaller bringing in the gorgeous nightingale in it’s full glory. Kindred spirits to rest in peace with plethora of fulfilling abundance.